throw me a bone

It was one of my good girl-friend's 18th birthday this weekend, and to commemorate the occaision she held a big party in a bar in town. I arrived with another girl-friend of mine and settled down at the booth our friends had commandeered to get set up.
Drinks were flowing and we were meeting new people when I saw my ex walk in with her new boyfriend (our booth was close to the door so we could see people we knew and approach people we liked the look of) and despite my efforts to continue as normal, seeing them had seriously thrown me off kilter. I chastised myself for being such an arse and went over to introduce myself to the birthday girl's mum, which resulted in me getting free glasses of champagne whenever she passed me. I sat in the booth drinking and chatting when a girl I have history with came up and dragged me away to dance, we danced and chatted and laughed, and danced with friends who were on the dancefloor already when suddenly I saw my ex and her boyfriend again, I was emboldened by alcohol and so didn't look away awkwardly as soon as she looked over- which it soon became apparent she was doing curiously often. I ignored the voice in my head which was contemplating all the possible reasons she could have been looking for and continued to dance, trying my best to look as I had before. I forced a smile as I danced and suddenly the girl I was dancing with pushed me against the wall and passionately kissed me (I had always loved her fire, and shes a fucking good kisser), when my head stopped spinning (from impact and euphoria) my eye caught a glimpse of my ex pretending not to look and looking quite distressed. For a minute I felt shallow and pathetic for how good the sight made me feel, but then she kissed me again and it felt so fucking good it made me content in my stunted emotions. As the night wore on I continued to drink and dance and speak to friends, for a while I lamented the fact I hadn't managed to kiss anyone new, but I did also feel wondrously validated which helped a lot, despite the passion of the night I was under no illusions, whilst I had a wonderful evening and shared lots of little moments with the beautiful girl, I knew how it worked- this didn't mean anything, we were unlikely to do this again for a while and to ever speak to her of it would be unimaginable (until she brings it up, which means it is happening again) . So as we shared a last long kiss I cherished what was happening, and when we slowly stopped I leant in and whispered in her ear, "thankyou"

shit hits the fan- already

In light of the decision I made when I created this blog only yesterday, I committed myself to the pursuit of excitement during the day today, I found my chance during my last lesson. A good friend of mine has recently split from her 2 and a half year boyfriend, we went to prom together and have always got along brilliantly, so I decided she would be the ideal start. she gave me a lift home at the end of the day and we chatted the same as ever, but when we reached my house instead of the cheek kiss goodbye, I went for the real thing. I know that I dedicated my first post to describing the moment before a kiss, but it's doubtful whether that truly did it justice, our eyes met, her face became serious- not as though she was about to tell me off, just like there was a longing, or so I'd like to think.- she shifted her body so she was facing towards me and we made out. She is close friends with my ex and so karma for some unnamed transgression kicked in (it could be for any number of things) and a boy from our school had recognised her car and pulled up next to us to say hi, getting a lovely chunk of gossip substantial enough (in our little pond) to ruin friendships and destroy potential new girls, basically it would be like a petty, bitchy hiroshima. I'm not saying that I regret my decision- you make your choices and stick by them- I'm just very tickled by the speed at which this blog (admittedly something borne of boredom whilst i should have been revising) has brought about a situation in which I have something to blog about, this is some self-sustainable shit.

la suerta de matar

I don't know how reliable my spanish is, even more so because i was drunk when i was told about La Suerte De Matar, but assuming its spelt correctly and the lovely young woman who told me about it wasn't lying then it is a term from bullfighting. Perhaps you disagree with bullfighting and think its antiquated and viciously cruel, or perhaps you think it is the perfect illustration of skill and intelligence pitted against strength and rage, either way that isn't the point. La Suerte De Matar describes the final moments of the bullfight, before inevitably the bull is killed or the matador crunched, more specifically it is the final moment in which the eyes of the Bull meet the eyes of the Matador, and there is a mutual understanding that following this blow one of them will be the victor and the other will be broken or dead (depending on the species). This appeals to me because I can't think of anything more appropriate as a metaphor for the moment right before the mutual submission between a man and a woman (man and man, woman and woman, I'm not making any Fascist condemnations here just writing from my perspective) when you realise that no matter what happens tomorrow or what has happened yesterday, right here and now in this moment in this place you have succeeded, and that everything is going to be ok. The reason i mention it -besides affording me the oppurtunity to show off my flowery analogy- is that these are the moments i live for, all it takes is a little kiss and I can shrug off the perpetual struggle of existence and feel strong from the warm feeling that glows in my belly, the pathetic truth it boils down to is that every little moment of love from a girl afford me the ability to love myself a little bit more, and in a world as ugly as this I think learning to love yourself should come well above surviving the credit crunch or preventing global warming. I hope that you will read these posts as (I again hope) they grow in multitude outlining all my little adventures during my little life.